The following is a guest blog from March 7, 2012:
Macaroni and PLEASE
I work in Sales. it’s a competitive environment. Competitive with others. Competitive with yourself. So naturally there’s wagers thrown around the office daily that can range from who has the nicest handwriting, to who can eat the most munchkins in 4 minutes, to who will win in a foot race, to who can drink more maple syrup without throwing up. We’re a tight knit group that have known each other for over 5 years. We’ve seen each other shirtless. We know each other’s families, habits, and even bathroom schedules.
Currently, we’re playing The Lent Game*. The 4 of us collectively decided what each person would concede over the next 40 days. Naturally, the one thing each of us picked for the others to sacrifice was the food they loved most. This was going to be fun. Even the Jewish kid was playing. No money involved, just pride. And we were all on the honor system. This is what was decided:
Andrew – no chips
Matt – no baked goods
Jeff – no pasta
Me – cheese
As I am writing this on March 8th, three remain. Andrew, Matt and Jeff. I lasted 4 days. I fucking love cheese.
In December Jeff received an ESPN desk calendar as a Christmas gift. Each January morning the 4 of us would huddle around his desk awaiting the sports trivia question that could range from NCAA Basketball, to Horse Racing, to Nascar, to Hockey, to Olympic events that only Canadians and Norwegians would understand. Andrew started keeping score on an Excel file so that we would eventually see who was the smarter, more well rounded sports fan 11 months later. And there was money on the line. The winner would receive a free steak dinner. Tits.
To nobody’s surprise really, 1 question per day wasn’t enough. So we started doing 2 per day.
Until the final day when we locked ourselves in a conference room and banged out the final 60. By February 10th we had blasted through all 339 trivia questions (there was only one trivia question for Saturday and Sunday). It was a full on addiction. Everything took a backseat to the trivia questions. Lunch. Work. Family. Sleep. Even porn.
Matt was declared the winner by a sizable margin (which didn’t come as much of a surprise since this is the same person who purchased a pair of Tom Brady game-worn cleats on eBay for $14,500. So really, he had to win). We agreed on Striphouse as the venue, made the reservation, and on Wednesday, March 7th ate a light lunch in preparation for the feast that would ensue at 6:30pm. I checked out the menu online beforehand to make sure they served the side dish that best compliments a 12 ounce filet; macaroni and cheese, son. And since I was eliminated from The Lent Game – I could eat it guilt free.
We sat down, ordered drinks, and debated whether or not the woman in the 60 year old black and white photo on the wall behind us was attractive for the next 20 minutes. The steaks came along with brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, cream corn and MACARONI AND CHEESE. I scooped some on my plate and took a bite.
Then another bite.
A third bite. Waiting ‘taste’ to show itself.
Took a fourth bite. Nothing.
Was this macaroni and cheese? It felt like it in my mouth. But I couldn’t taste anything. Not even salt. Eating plain, cold and sticky elbow macaroni out of a strainer would taste better than this. What a sham. Maybe I should have been tipped off when there was no adjectives to describe the dish on the menu? This shit made Velveeta taste like Moose House cheese**. This was the worst macaroni and cheese I’ve ever had. At least with Easy Mac, as bad as it may be, you know what you’re getting. And it tastes like something.
Here’s a picture of what the worst bowl of macaroni and cheese looks like. If you want to know what it tastes like, just lick your monitor. It’s the same thing.
RATING: NEGATIVE 5.2
The steak and other sides were good. AND there was one other positive that came out of the meal: Mac and cheese is considered pasta so Jeff is eliminated from The Lent Game. Boom.
*My 2012 New Year’s Resolution was to give up Lent. But I agreed to play anyway.
**I have never had Moose House cheese. But I Googled ‘most expensive cheese’ and Moose House was the winner: http://most-expensive.net/